Today on my way home from work I took a giant hammer and started beating the shit out of hipsters at a movie screening of a restored 35mm print of the “400 Blows” at the Film Forum in the Village. Every hipster got a blow, but not the kind they wanted. They thought my performance was “meh” but overall, “pretty decent but not obscure enough form of violence that they probably could have thought up better and more creatively.” The victims went to the hospital, but don’t worry, they have freelancers insurance. So everyone was okay – because mommy and daddy make sure they are covered, even if they are working as a waitress even with their expensive BA from a strong college. But however they aren’t just a waitress because they know they can look cool while doing it, it’s because they chose to try to be an actor and can’t get a decent paying job, because their parents told them to be whatever they wanted to be when they were younger, and now they are trapped because there’s not enough work as a actor and they are shitty actors. So really it’s the fault of the post-industrial wasteland known as the USA and the lack of jobs for young people.
So to make our country actually produce things, we need jobs, and the easiest way to do this is to go to war, just like FDR did during the Great Depression! So I took a giant nuke and dropped it on the USA, pretending to be Pakistan.
After that, we declared war with Pakistan, and then we launched into WWIII, with China siding with Pakistan and Russia, and Europe siding with us. Jobs were created. Little Meghan was drafted into the US Military, so she was no longer a waitress. She controlled a drone and on her first mission, she killed over 12 innocent women and children, which got her a promotion! Look at her in that uniform. No more hipster. But wait! When she goes to sleep, she can’t hide her ironic “artisanal chocolate” tattoo on her upper arm. Luckily for her, the military has an insurance plan that may or may not cover tattoo removal if she can prove that she needs to remove it to help with her depression infused with PTSD from murdering innocent people with the push of a button, just like you are doing by reading this post.
A lot of people started dying, but ironically, not because of our fighting with Pakistan and China and Russia, but because we diverted all funding and attention into this war that could have gone towards solving the environment.
More and more droughts occurred, and around the world, poor water supplies and starvation took the lives of over a billion people.
And while this was happening, here I was in my room typing on my Macbook Pro, posting another fucking retarded “hipster beating” on my favorite website, Die Hipster, all the while feeling bad about myself and really mad at hipsters, so mad that I have kept a blog going for over five years on a subject matter no one in the world cares about anymore besides a few hundred people. Seriously. And I feel so self-important I type up this retarded hipster beatings every week like clockwork, like it’s an assignment from 11th grade English class, and I type them in all bold just so you know how important it is to read. End of story.
See how I wrote, “End of story” – in case you don’t know – that means the story ends there. It’s a literary technique I learned in English class a few years back.